Fun Fact About Katy: I often wander through
bookstores.
It's one of my favorite things to do.
Stress reliever actually.
I wander from section to section, picking up books,
reading the backs, taking my time.
This pleasure has been taken away from me for a
while. Last month when I took a trip to the big city I found a bookstore with
an English book section and indulged myself for a good hour or so in the few
rows of English books. While over here I use my Kindle, which I am so thankful
for and has been a lifesaver, but I do miss holding, smelling, feeling the
books. I miss turning the pages and watching my progress through the stories as
the pages turn. Anyways, now that I have reminisced on this beloved activity I
shall digress to the point of this blog...
Usually the first place I head to in a bookstore
are the biographies and autobiographies.
I love autobiographies because they are real. They
have real emotion, real circumstances, real reaction.
A friend here has a small library of books, I went
straight for the autobiography and this was my first "check out" from
their stock.
This book was written by Elizabeth Elliot. She is a
woman I look up to. She is a 'spiritual gladiator'. A pioneer in many ways and
for many years did amazing work for Father. I think the world of her character
and persona while doing the work she has done in the circumstances she was
given. This book is somewhat of a record of her first year as a
"worker" in Ecuador. I borrowed this book because I was so curious to
read about how this pioneer handled her first year overseas as a single
woman. I don't really know what I was expecting to find in this story, but
what I got somewhat stunned me.
As I read, I found myself smirking at the
similarities. At some points I felt like I was reading my own journal.
Elizabeth had many tribulations her first year. Some I can't comprehend going
through as a single woman in her early 20's. She wrote about uncontainable
excitement to get to her destination in the beginning, about eager anticipation
to just get a glimpse of the people she traveled so far to serve, then about
hardship after hardship that her first year held.
My first few months overseas have not compared to
hers whatsoever, but I can understand some of the emotions she had, the eagerness
matched with disappointment, the excitement matched with frustration, the
desire to become "all things to all people" matched with culture
shock and adjustments.
This particular quote stunned me. This is an exert
from one of the letters she wrote to (at the time) her future husband Jim
Elliot during both of their first years as single "workers".
“I find that because nothing actually
presses me to activity, I dawdle in quiet time, let my mind wander in prayer,
and daydream when trying to study. Sometimes, I confess, after a long time on
my knees and very little praying done (for the thousand trivialities that
beckon my attention), I call it quits, saying to myself, “This isn’t prayer.
Might as well be up and doing something, even if it’s only baking a cake or
sharpening a pencil.”… I feel that I lost much since college days. It cannot be
excused because I’m getting old or because the devil tempts me more now – the
Lord has promised to “lead us in triumph.”
-Elizabeth Elliot "These Strange
Ashes"
Now to say I was encouraged by this is an
understatement, I was almost overjoyed reading this, and that might seem
odd to many or all of you reading this blog, so let me explain...
These last couple months have been somewhat of a
dry season for me and have held a few difficult days. I have tried so hard to
focus in pr and dig deep in reading, but my efforts often became futile. Much
like what Elizabeth wrote. My journal can match her words almost word for word.
In the midst of this struggle and guilt of not being or doing what I thought I
needed to be I read this book. When I read this quote I had to reread it
several times because I just knew I read it wrong. I thought, "This woman
could not be confessing this. This 'spiritual gladiator' could not be struggling
with the same things I am. This can't be right. This woman is built of
faith." But after about the 6th time, it sunk in.
This amazing woman of Father had the same struggles
in her first year that I am having in my first year. Wow! What? Is that right? It
is! Now, it still might seem strange that I was overjoyed at this fact, so I'll
explain some more... (this is verbal processing at it's finest)
Having this job title sometimes brings about this
stereotype or pressure to always be at the top of your game (so to speak). This
was making me crumble faster than anything else. This pressure to be a
'spiritual gladiator' was and is too much for any person to handle. When I read
her words I realized the massive amount of pride in my heart, for believing
this pressure or for believing this stereotype. Who am I to think I should not
be struggling? Who am I to think that I should be doing "better" than
someone else? Father drove me to repentance of my own pride and a cleansing
from this false pressure.
I realized that I am not alone. I'm not
weird/crazy/insane for having these struggles, like I thought I was. By Fathers grace, I was able to have a meal with 4 beautiful women (doing
the same thing I am doing) shortly after reading this book. We all expressed
this struggle in some form or fashion. The reason I was overjoyed is this…
Father was so good in showing me that I have a great cloud of witnesses that have gone behind
me and are alongside of me that love Father and are following Him, but still at
times struggle with trivial or futile things, like focusing in pr and in
reading my word.
BUT like Elizabeth said Father promises to
"lead us to triumph".
“And you,
who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made
alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling
the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set
aside, nailing it to the cross. He disarmed the rulers and authorities and put
them to open shame, by triumphing over them in him.”
Colossians
2:13-15
What a wonderful promise we have in these dry
seasons. He will always ALWAYS lead us to triumph. JC has already won. He is
already seated at the right hand of Father. To be incredibly cliché... the war
is over but the battles still need to be fought. The battles will be tough and
will be strenuous, but we KNOW that we will triumph in the end. We suffer as
our Savior suffered, so that we may become like Him. What greater gift in all
the world then to be like JC? But this comes with a cost. It comes with
discipline, it comes with struggles, and it comes with battles against the
enemy. Most of all it comes with endurance.
I was
reminded by this beautiful woman that holding fast to the promised triumph is
what brings us out of the greatest struggles.
"Therefore, since we are
surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every
weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race
that is set before us, looking to JC, the founder and perfecter of our faith,
who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame,
and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."
Hebrews 12:1-2