I realized something this morning… I fear failure more than I fear anything else in this world. I fear disappointing people. Which in turn makes me become lazy and nervous to do anything: in language, in work, in relationships. I heap guilt on myself when I don’t complete a task to the best of my ability, or when I keep giving into that same temptation, or when I know that I’m being selfish in my decision making.
Most of the time I believe that Father looks at me with a scornful expression when I “fail”. I’m really good at believing that Father condemns me when I give in to temptation. I’m really good at not trusting Father with the things in my life.
By being good at these things, I’m not believing in the G0d of the word. I’m not believing in Yahweh, Adonai, Jehovah, the G0d of Jacob. I’m believing in the image that the enemy puts in my head.
Sometimes I feel exactly like Eve…
The serpent is saying “Did G0d actually say, ’there is not condemnation’?” And my reply is something along the lines of, “G0d said there is no condemnation for those who never fail him.” Then the serpent says, “Surely you are condemned, for you fail him everyday.” And when I see that what he says somehow makes sense in my head, I take a bite of his lies and fully believe in it.
The story continues…
Then when I realize what I’ve believed in and my fear of failure is the only thing I can think about, my eyes are open to the guilt of my sin much like Adam and Eve’s were opened. I feel the weight of failing G0d and the guilt that comes with that and I hide from Him, or I purposefully try to hide a certain part of my life from Him. Next, Father is so faithful to call out to me in the garden where I am hiding and all I can feel is shame and fear. Shame that I believed in the lies and fear of the condemnation that I still somehow believe is going to happen. Like he is walking towards me with his finger out stretched and has that same scornful look on his face ready to yell at me for my shortcomings.
This circle of guilt, shame, and fear is one of the enemies oldest and most effective traps.
I was reading this morning and talking to Father, but I was getting frustrated that I wasn’t fully “in” it. That same fear of failing G0d for not fully enjoying and basking in His word crept into my mind. Then, of course, the guilt and shame followed, pushing me towards shutting my word and moving on to what I have to do for the day. Ugh! I hate the enemy!
Father had incredible grace on me this morning and randomly reminded me of S.M. Lockridge’s “That’s My King” video in the midst of this mental battle. So I eagerly looked it up in hopes that it would bring me some focus. (If you have never seen this video I highly suggest you take a look, I promise its for your own good.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yX_7j32zgNw&feature=related
When I have watched this video in the past I usually focus on the great things he says about Father. But this time I realized that I knew those parts, and the only thing I could hear him say was “That’s My King” over and over. I’ve read about Him and I’ve studied about Him. I’ve read and I know that no means of measure can define His limitless love, He’s impartially merciful, He’s the sinners savior, He’s eternally steadfast, He supplies strength for the weak, He’s available for the tempted and the tried, He delivers the captives, His yoke is easy and His burden is light, He’s the gateway to glory, He forgives sinners, His word is enough, His grace is sufficient, He sympathizes and he saves.
As I sat there and thought about my guilt and shame and fear, I felt like G0d was yelling at me with a loving face full of tears saying, “I’m your King! Proclaim who I really am over your life.” (The complete opposite of the scornful face the enemy told me to believe.)
Now, if you know me then you know that I am a crier. Let’s just say that tears were flowing freely at this point. I looked down into the Psalm that I was suppose to read next and read…
“The Lord is gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. The Lord is good to all, and his mercy is over all that he has made.” Psalm 145:8-9
Oh how I love Him so! I don’t deserve this limitless love. I don’t deserve grace and mercy and love from the creator, but he lavishes it upon me. He “takes pleasure in those who fear him, in those who hope in his steadfast love.” (Psalm 147:11) He sees me where I am in the garden, hidden in my ball of guilt, shame, and fear and rescues me. And he NEVER fails to do so.
Now, I’m not saying that the serpent isn’t going to try to lie to me again and I’m definitely not saying that I will yank him out of the tree from now on. I’m a sinner; I’m going to fail every single day for the rest of my life. BUT this is the great struggle. The struggle against flesh and bone to be with and like our Savior. A sweet brother reminded me about a month ago that “we must continue in grace, knowing that the future glory far outweighs the present suffering. It will be worth it the day we step into the better country.”
So I urge you as well, to continue in the grace that our amazing Father gives and keep striving because it will all be worth it when we see His glorious face.
My King does not condemn me. Romans 8:1
My King will not leave me as an orphan. John 14:18
My King has adopted me as His daughter. Romans 8:14-16
My King will never allow anything to snatch me from his hand. John 10:28
My King will rescue me from evil EVERY TIME. 2 Timothy 4:18
THAT’S MY KING!
To Him be the glory forever and ever, Amen.